


Barba's Admission (previously "Barson fic #1")

by adrianna_m_scovill



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 00:03:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13201425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrianna_m_scovill/pseuds/adrianna_m_scovill
Summary: Barba has to take a leap of faith.





	Barba's Admission (previously "Barson fic #1")

Barba glanced up as Benson stopped beside his stool. “I’ve really become too predictable,” he said, with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He swallowed the last of his drink and set the glass on the bar.

“You’re starting early,” Benson said, and her concern was evident in her features.

Fishing money out of his wallet, Barba dropped the cash on the bar, lifting his chin in acknowledgment to the bartender. Reaching for his suit jacket on the next stool, Barba said, “I’m finishing early,” as he got to his feet.

Benson put a hand on his arm, and felt his muscles tense. “What’s wrong, Rafa?” she asked. “It was a tough case, I get that, but we’ve lost cases before and I’ve never seen you—”

“It’s been a long day, Olivia,” he said, shifting away. He slipped his blazer on, avoiding her gaze. “Go home, be with your son. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He started past her, and she grabbed his wrist. “Hold on, Rafael,” she said. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to shut me out, not after everything we’ve been through together.”

He looked at her, and her heart skipped at the emotion in his eyes. “Livia, I can’t do this anymore,” he said, his lips barely moving. The bar was loud, filled with laughter and shouts, but she had no trouble hearing his soft words. Her stomach twisted as she stared at him; she was afraid she knew what he was saying, and she didn’t want to hear it. She gave her head a little shake, unable to stop herself, and she saw his jaw tighten.

He pulled a breath in through his nose. “Go home,” he said, striding toward the door.

She was stunned, and for a moment she could only stare after him as she tried to process what his words might mean. As she saw him step out into the night, she shook off her paralysis and hurried after him. On the sidewalk, she saw him lifting a hand for a cab.

“Barba,” she said, and he turned, surprised by the tone of her voice. She walked toward him, holding onto her anger to keep her fear at bay. “That’s it? You just walk out on me?”

“I’m transferring,” he told her, and she couldn’t hide her wince. “We won’t be working together anymore.”

“Just like that?” she asked. “Look, we didn’t screw up this case, the—”

“It’s not about the case,” he said, ignoring the taxi waiting beside him. “It’s about me, my objectivity. I can’t do my job if—” He stopped, shaking his head.

“So now I’m holding you back,” she said.

He could see the pain in her face, and hurting her was the last thing he’d wanted to do. Barba put a hand on her arm. “Liv, I’m sorry,” he said. “I find myself…not caring about winning cases for the victims as much as wanting to win them for you. All of my decisions—I never would’ve taken this case to trial if I hadn’t wanted so badly for you—” He stopped again, and sighed. “It’s not fair to either of us. You deserve the best attorneys fighting for you, and right here, now, that’s not me.”

“Please don’t walk away from me,” she said as he started to turn, and he stopped, looking back, his expression raw. “I can’t lose you,” she told him, trying desperately to fight back her tears. “Not like this, Rafa.”

He closed the distance between them, once more putting his hand on her arm. She wanted to hug him, to hold on and refuse to let him leave her sight, but she couldn’t—and wouldn’t—force him to stay.

“I’ll do better, Rafael,” she said, hoarsely. “Don’t leave because of me.”

He shook his head, lifting his chin. “I _stayed_ because of you, Olivia. Because working with you, alongside you, that was the only real thing that mattered. I told myself that was enough, that being your friend, that working together, that was enough. I want you to be happy, Liv. I want that with every fiber in my body. I would give my life for your happiness, but…I can’t bear to watch you…”

“What do you mean?” she asked, her heart pounding in her chest.

“You and Noah deserve someone who will always be there for you.”

“You’ve _always_ been there for us, Raf, for both of us.”

“Someone who can make you happy, give you the life you deserve.”

“You and I have never lied to each other,” she said. “If there’s something you want to say to me, just say it.”

“I stopped by the precinct earlier. I saw Tucker in your office.”

Benson blinked, taken aback. “Tucker? Sure, he stopped by…Wait, are you telling me you’re quitting because of _Tucker_?”

“I’m not quitting, I’m transferring,” he said.

“You’re running away,” she countered. “I didn’t think you were afraid of anything, Counselor.”

He managed a smile. “I’ll see you around, Liv,” he said. His cab was gone, so he started up the sidewalk. Benson stepped in front of him, blocking his escape. He regarded her warily, his gaze hooded.

“You’re already leaving, we won’t be working together,” she told him. “So what do you have to lose? Take a leap.”

He swallowed, and she saw something like alarm flit across his features.

She put a hand over her heart and, her voice hoarse with emotion, said, “Rafael, I promise you, Tucker and I are finished. What you saw was _nothing_. I was happy with him, once, you’re right, but…it wasn’t _real_ happiness. It was…settling. He and I both knew it. He deserved someone who was all in, and that wasn’t—that could never be me.”

Barba let out a shaky breath.

“You’re already leaving,” she repeated. “I deserve to know the truth.”

He swallowed again, and gave a short nod. “I couldn’t bear to see you start back up with him—with anyone,” he said in a rush. “Alright? I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing someone else fill the place that I wanted, next to you, tucking Noah in at night, waking up beside you every morning, starting a life, having a family, all of it. Okay? I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with _me_ , that’s all I’ve ever wanted, and if I were a stronger man—”

“I thought you Harvard lawyers were supposed to be smart,” she said.

“Pardon me?”

She smiled. “Why do you think I couldn’t commit to Tucker? Or anyone else?” she asked.

“Because they didn’t deserve you,” he murmured, and her smile widened.

“Because who I really wanted, I couldn’t have,” she said.

They stared at each other. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Take a leap,” he muttered. “Olivia Benson, I am in love with you. I certainly didn’t plan for it to happen. I never wanted to hurt you and that’s exactly what I did. Please…forgive me?” She nodded, and he hesitated, gathering his courage. “Choose me?” he asked. “Give me a chance to make you happy? Let me be the person you lean on, the person you confide in—”

“You already are that person,” she said, quietly.

“Let me be the man you love,” he murmured.

It was her turn to swallow. She tipped her head and whispered, “You already are.”

He stepped forward, searching her face. She smiled. He took a breath and leaned toward her, lifting a hand to the hollow of her shoulder. With their mouths an inch apart, he stopped, his breath fanning her lips, his gaze locked on hers, all of his emotions shining in his eyes.

She lowered her lips to meet his, and his fingers slid into her hair as he pressed closer. Nothing around them mattered; not the people walking past, not the traffic, not the car alarm blaring somewhere up the block. Their hearts thudded, and their ears roared, and their heads began to swim, and when he finally pulled his lips from hers, they each let out a shaky laugh as they pressed their foreheads together.

“Promise me you won’t ever try to run away from me again,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry, Liv,” he said.

“If this is going to work, we have to always be honest.”

“Always,” he agreed.

“I love you, too, Raf,” she said, pulling back to look at his face. “I’m all in. I need to know you are, too.”

“I’m still transferring,” he told her. “There’s no way we could work together without everything being called into question.”

“Good,” she answered. “Then there’s nothing in the way. You should’ve quit a long time ago,” she added.

Barba laughed. “You know us lawyers and our presumptions,” he said. He looked down and laced his fingers into hers, lifting her hand to graze a kiss across her knuckles. “Let me know when it’s safe to propose,” he said, grinning as he looked up at her from beneath his lashes.

“Let’s go on a few dates, see what happens,” she answered with a smile.

He arched an eyebrow. “Are you asking me out?” he asked.

Still smiling, she said, “Why not? We’ll give it a shot.” They turned and linked arms, their hands clasped together. “Maybe ask me tomorrow,” she said, leaning closer as they walked.

“Sure thing, Lieutenant,” he chuckled.


End file.
